Where do parents cross the line?
With the digital age, it’s incredibly easy to find information about people. Employers search the facebook profiles of job candidates, etc. But parents can also check up on their kids… so where do you think parents cross the line?
Let me elaborate. I’m 20 years old, in my 3rd year of college. My mother had not met my boyfriend because she was not home, we don’t usually stop by her house, etc. She made a facebook account, told no one about it, and prowled the internet. My profile is private, not tagged in photos posted by others, etc, but she looked through all of my boyfriend’s things. Then looked up his driving record, his parent’s information, basically conducted an entire background check, knew how much his parents, house cost, the location and square footage of their property, etc.
Where do we draw the line between interested/concerned parent, and stalker?
Haha well I do live at home, but I’m very rarely there, being that I work full-time, school full-time, and just not wanting to be home. Never got into trouble as a kid/teen or any of that.
Part of it, I feel, is that she knows it creeps me out, and finds it funny. But it’s still really freaken weird, and just mean that she does it to make me uncomfortable.
Haha and yes I’m aware, I have minimal info on the internet [once it's there, you can't get it back!] but so much is public… I understand being concerned. But when my boyfriend met her, she would ask him questions that I knew full well she already knew the answers to.
Oh, he had already met my father and brother, so it wasn’t an intentional thing that she hadn’t met him.
We’re 20 and 21, both in school.
I pay for college, hence the full-time job. I live at home, but otherwise pay for everything. Insurance, food, medication, etc, saving up to move out.
No ahah there was nothing bad to find.
Mail this post
Tagged with: background check • brother • full time job • full time school • hadn • haha • insurance • insurance food • medication • minimal info • parents • photos • profiles • square footage
Filed under: How To Find A Person Online
Wow thats weird – if you were say 15, that would be a different story. Has your mom always been like that? Sounds like trust issues or empty nest thing. Do you guy talk? Are you evasive about stuff? Not saying its right if you are, just that could point to the why. Thats not normal, I don’t think. I would have a heart to heart with your mom and find out what is going on.
EDIT – is she is doing this because she thinks it funny, you need to talk to her. she needs to know that what she did freaked you out. That was a major trust barrier that she went over. Have a talk with her and see whats really going on if its just because she thinks its funny, thats not funny its intrusive ad way out of bounds. Of course i suspect this isn’t the only boundary shes over stepped. Maybe its time for you to start setting some up, for your sake…
Good luck to you!
That seems like borderline stalker. It would certainly creep me out.
I thought all facebook was private now?
Cause I tried trolling and no luck!
All legal, but definitely creepy!
Uhhh, not sure on that one. Kinda creeps me out honestly.
I could see doing that for a teen living in your home, if they were sneaking around with some "unknown" guy……but an adult…kinda weird.
At the same time though, if anything weird had been going on with you, then she may be grasping and trying to find out if your ok.
I dunno, but I’d be a lil weirded out about it.
I don’t even think thats legal
she may seem like shes in your business but she really just wants you to be safe ……..
That was too far. But you must be aware of what is public information these days. What ever you post is out there for everyone to easily see.
Communication with her should be curtailed until she can learn about personal boundaries.
On one hand, she is worried about you (all parents worry all the time) and is probably just making sure your boyfriend isn’t some closet criminal. I’m sure she has your best interests at heart.
On the other hand, you are 20, in college, and she needs to let you make your own decisions. It’s so hard to let go, I’m sure.
Now if your behavior has drastically changed, and your boyfriend is isolating you from your family, then maybe it’s okay to do a full background check on him, in case there is a history of abuse, but I think that’s not the case here.
Golly Cheez Whiz! Was she like this when you were a teenager? I’d be pretty darned upset! My parents didn’t meet every guy I had a date with once I reached adulthood. Sometimes it was simply, went to a movie or had lunch or dinner together, I didn’t really like the guy well enough to continue the relationship and that was it. I wouldn’t consider that concerned; concerned parents ask their child of any age for information.
Whoa… that’s creepy. I can see the driving record thing because my parents did that when I was dating my husband – haha – but they were both working in law enforcement at the time – my dad was a State Policeman and my mom worked (and still works for) the city police, so they had the driving background infor literally and physically, right at their finger tips so to speak – haha. Not that I agree with that, because I don’t. Not at all! The whole finding out where his parents live and the cost and square footage of their house – that’s just downright creepy. If there is a line, your mom has crossed it! In my humble little opinion of course.
Maybe you can talk to her and say something like mom, look – I’m 20 years old, I’m an adult now. You have to trust me to make my own decisions. I’m not going to date someone who is a criminal – you raised me to the best of your ability and I have values and at some point you are going to have to trust me. I really feel that you crossed a serious boundary by finding out where his parents live and especially in finding out how much their house costs and the square footage. How would you feel if someone invaded your privacy like that, mom? I’m sure that you wouldn’t like it too much either. I hope that you know me well enough to trust me – it really hurts that you don’t.
Tell her that you love her, but you also hope that in the future that she’ll respect your privacy and especially your boyfriend’s privacy not to mention, his parents’ privacy in the future.
Maybe say something like that? I know when I was dating my husband, I was 17 and he was 22 and in the Navy. That didn’t set well with the ‘rents. lol. Good luck sweetie! God bless!
that’s totally not new.
throughout history, potential suitors were thoroughly vetted, to the extent that local brothels would be quizzed as to his predilections and peccadillos.
but yeah – personally, i’d be flaming.
When I was 20, I probably would have thought my mom was borderline stalking–but I married a real skank when I was 20 (my mom met him just before she died, and at that time we didn’t know he was a skank!) and now, looking back, I think it would have been beneficial if my parents (or I) had done more checking into his background. I don’t even think that was an option back then, without doling out big bucks to a private investigator.
Now, almost 30 years later and as a mother myself, if I had any questions or a bad "gut feeling", I’d probably do the same things your mom did–maybe more and/or worse!
For me, I’d say the deciding factor is support. Is your mom (and/or maybe your dad) supporting you while you’re in college? If they are then, my opinion as a parent myself is, they have every right to check out anyone you’re involved with THOROUGHLY! Granted, that may not be what you want to hear, but they love you and want the best for you, and above all don’t want you to get hurt!! There are a lot of real "low-life" people out there! They were around when I was your age, but there are a LOT more of them now, unfortunately. Parents want to protect their children from everything that might hurt them, and while this isn’t always possible–or even always advisable–that’s still how parents feel. No matter how old you get, you will always be their baby. While I always try to check myself and allow my children a little more freedom as they get older, it’s hard to let them go do something where I know there is a good possibility that they could get hurt or into serious trouble. (For the record, my kids are 12, 11 and 8.) It’s really a very difficult thing to do, and the line parents walk is thin and precarious. Even at my kids ages, there are some of their "friends" that I don’t like them spending time with. Someday you’ll be a parent and you’ll find out for yourself.
Just for the record, did she find out anything bad about your boyfriend? If not, then she can rest easier, relax and let you enjoy his company. If she DID find out something that wasn’t good, maybe you should proceed with caution–and thank her for caring enough to check him out.
She probably just initially wanted to find out his background and what he was about, and you know how us women are…we will look at stuff if it’s right in front of our faces or easy to access!
If I were your age, I would feel the same way. I am a mom now, and I would go snooping any time I could (go ahead and give me the thumbs down everyone, it’s true) to see just who was with my daughter and to do the best thing that I could to keep her safe. When and if you have kids, I promise that you will understand. She just loves you that’s all.