What do I do concerning these people who offer unwelcome advice?
Here is the issue: There are a few people in my life that I somewhat have to deal with. When I am around them and when I speak they seem to not understand where I am coming from, yet they feel comfortable offering suggestions into my life. It drives me crazy, and it drives me away. In turn, I almost avoid these people at all costs. When they do this, I do not honor what they are saying, but I have no defense mechanism during the situation. I do not let them know that I disagree in fear that they are going to just spew more advice.
Check and Balance: To balance myself on this I understand that some of their suggestions are valid. It is not that they people are stupid, nor is it that these people have no wisdom to offer. On the other hand, there are people who are wise and knowledge who do not offer advice unless asked. I seek these people when I am in a bind.
Who I am as a person: I tend to be a person who likes self-sufficiency. When I have a problem that I want to address, I vigorously will search for the answer and implement it. That being said, when others whom I have not designated as sources of help offer help into my life I am really putting off. I am just wondering why this is.
Ending questions: Is there something wrong with me (Obviously, there is always something more to improve in our own lives at any given time)? Is this normal? Is this something that I should learn to endure, or is it something that I should give in to? Is this something that I should battle and take a stand (note, I will still have to regularly see these people)?
I apologize for the vague-ness, and thank-you for any thoughts you have.
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Tagged with: bind • defense mechanism • fear • self sufficiency • wisdom
Filed under: How To Find A Person Online
First, you might consider sharing less of yourself with them.
Second, just because someone offers unsolicited advice, doesn’t mean you have to take it. You can simply nod, then do what you think best. You’re right to think that arguing will just prolong it; accepting what they say ends that part of the discussion.
Uh, most people dislike unsolicited advice; there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is those who keep giving it. (I notice that the people you ASK advice of are NOT the unsolicited advice-givers — you percieve them as wiser and more worth asking advice from.)
There’s no way to change others; those who love running around telling everyone else what to do or how to live will keep doing so. There’s nothing you can do about it.
Battle? Take a stand on? What would you expect to accomplish by such things? Just live your life as YOU see fit. Be polite, even to rude people who tell you what to do when you haven’t asked.
But politeness doesn’t require you to do what they say.
I know what you mean. I also have a kind of audio claustrophobia which starts to set in after the person has rattled on and on for more than five minutes. It makes me internally edgy and crazy. It is because of the noise plus the fact that we are somewhat socially obliged to acknowledge the nuances of the content of the palaver, so you can’t rightfully just stare straight ahead in order to appear to be interested, &c.
I recently attended a luncheon for the volunteers of our annual gigantic library book sale. I went there feeling wonderful, all set to enjoy a great lunch and this woman attached herself to me and began talking about how much she loved and cared for cats. I saw no escape. She had latched onto me with a vengeance. How to escape?
Sigh…
I listened politely, never feeling it right to tell her I was just there to enjoy the gathering and the fine food that everyone had brought in by surprise, and then something occurred to me which made it all a little easier to bear…
I reminded myself that she, too, was a volunteer, who weekly devoted herself to the daily care of stray and feral cats who had been brought into the local animal shelter. I began to ponder in my brain what dedication that takes and how frustrating it must be sometimes, and the litter boxes that have to be cleaned all the time, and the cats who are still angry and disoriented and so on and so forth, and I decided she was doing a very noble and selfless thing by spending so much time nursing these totally helpless cats back to health and happiness and a semblance of a good life again, this time around.
While I didn’t actually tune into her narrative any more as a result of this compassion, I did devote my right ear, which appeared to be hanging on her every word. I went back to the buffet table about four times and had one of the best luncheons I have enjoyed in ages.
When I left I told her I thought what she was doing for cats was commendable and that my hat was off to her. In other words, I got through it.
When I got back home I collapsed into my recliner and kicked my shoes off and sighed.
Sigh…
My feet began to breathe again and so did my poor brain. Gone were the references to lives spent in cages, abuse from the hands of strangers, the difficulties of feral animals in general, and blah, blah, blah. < smiling >
In short, I consciously forgave her devotion to stray animals who needed a good home and lots and lots of love, if that makes any sense at all.
Unasked for advice can be a pain in the neck. You can physically turn and run. This sends a clear message. You can freeze and nod. This is not as truthful, because inside you want to scream bloody murder will you please shut up thank you so kindly, or you can say excuse me and run like the devil in the opposite direction. Your options are as limitless as the day is long, and I would encourage you to continue to work with the disgust and frustration you feel with the types which drive you livid and silly with their endless harangues. I will leave you with one parting thought: If I lose my temper and say a mean thing to such a boring individual, it stays with me and haunts me for the rest of the month, so be mindful not to be rude. It will have dire consequences upon your own relationship with yourself.